My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
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“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.