I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
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WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
ok this is my dumbest yet
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up