i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
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Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
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Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.