Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
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Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
grotesque if literal: baby food
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.