[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
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When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
stand with me against insufficient seating
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*