Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
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According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!