I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
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I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes