Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
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What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie