If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
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*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.