You saw nothing. I am ham.
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Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
I’m good, thanks.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months