Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
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Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs