Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
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[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
My whole life was a lie.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter