My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
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A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.