Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
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I’m aging like a fine banana
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
the dark web is just a goth google.
Fight
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.