My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
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*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
yes yes a thousand times yes!
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.