At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
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Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.