I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
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That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong