Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
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Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!