You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
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a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?