Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
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I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.