My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
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“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
me opening up to someone
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.