Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
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Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
the chicken was already gone when I got here