Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
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I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
kevin is now a local weatherman
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.