This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
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Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
🤣dope
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.