I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
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The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person