Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
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My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
I love the National Park Service.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!