The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
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Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
Godspeed, John Glenn
Taking phone security to the next level.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing