My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
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How do German people not choke to death when they talk
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
#math
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
This is always good for a laugh.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”