a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
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This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..