Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
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Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?