1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
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It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Worst Native American name ever.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.