reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
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I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
the answer was staring at me all along
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING