Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
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Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?