That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
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My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
The Friday File.
So, can we agree on 4 or
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.