Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
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I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
ugh not again
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
he chose this
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.