The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
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“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same