Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
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This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
is this a threat
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.