I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
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God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
Finally, an explanation.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.