Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
You Might Also Like
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.