[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
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A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Woke up against my better judgment again
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome