Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
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I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
We found love in a hopeless place.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.