me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
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Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
Lmao
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Breaking news:
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Guy who likes music
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?