Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
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Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
yeet
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
whatcha thinkin bout
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi