If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
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In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up