girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
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ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄