When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
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[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom