Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
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Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Happy Halloween 🎃
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd