Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
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If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Storm Tropical Storm
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
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