I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
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GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
no such thing as a dumb question
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?