Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
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I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.